And, now I tell you that you were right and I was wrong…

August 12, 2009

Yesterday I posted a direct communication to my former roommate and friend (Bonnie Bowes) and my former friend (Ben Acevedo) on this blog about their blog (The Turd Fergeson Collective.)

Truthfully, I shouldn’t have done it.  It only fanned the flames of what is already a ridiculous farce of a drama and caused me angst.  I have since taken the blog post down and won’t be reposting it or any other material having to do with this situation.

Both Sanderson and Tyler have taken me to task today for doing as such.  And, I have been so emotionally exhausted expending energy to deal with this insanity that I flipped the fuck out on both of them.  And, I was wrong.  They were both right.  I was dead wrong.

I’m going to lay something out here and be blunt and open about my feelings; and, I suspect that it will draw mockery from the peanut gallery who so loves to blast me for anything and everything I say and/or do.  But, that’s okay, because this is how I’m really feeling right now and I think it might make me feel a little better to get it out and over with so I can move on from thinking about it.

Over the years I’ve done and said and written a lot of shit that was stupid or silly or self-involved.  I suspect that I can hardly be the only person on the face of the planet who has done as such.  I own what I write and stand behind it – good and bad – and, take the criticism I receive with the best sense of humor I can muster.  Occasionally I get a hair up my ass and go off half-cocked — but, again — I am hardly the only person who does that.

In dealing with these online social situations from both the outside and the inside of the mechanism – being the person trying to keep order, being the person being blasted and being the person doing the blasting – I’ve actively tried to learn from my mistakes and the mistakes of others and to grow as a person.  I’m not always successful; but, I’m okay with that.

Even in my nastiest comment flamewar days I think I have maintained a level of decorum that I am proud of.  I don’t go for the low blows and I’m quick to apologize when I’m in the wrong (which is just as often as I’m right.)  Through this I’ve become generally immune to the nastiness of anon commenters online…

This situation has been vastly different for me.

I’m really hurt by Bonnie and Ben.  I was very hurt by them BEFORE they spammed my blog and started their own for the sole purpose of saying shitty things about me.  Point is that I believed both of them to be good people and not capable of being this cruel to someone they care about or cared about.  These aren’t anonymous trolls, these are people who have been part of my successes, failures, heartaches and other piviotal junctures in life.  They were my friends.  And, up until last March I would have walked across hot coals and jumped into ongoing traffic for either of them.

I wish to maintain a level of decorum on this blog that doesn’t exist elsewhere.  My Mom taught me to take the high road and I’m doing so in not allowing other people to trash them.  Because I care about them – cared about them – and, as pissed off and hurt as I am I would never be the one to shove either of them under a bus.  Or, to stand by and watch someone else do it.

So I’m butthurt by Bonnie and Ben, I have no shame in saying that at all.  I bet that if anyone of you reading this would be just as hurt were you in my situation.

However, I’m moving on and am stronger for this in the end.  I’m tired of thinking about it, tired of analyzing their motives for being so mean-kid, tired of talking about it with everyone from Rosie to my dog-walker… I’m exhausted by their shit.  So I’m not dealing with it any longer.  Say what you want about me, I’m removing myself from this conversation.

I’m human, I have feelings, I overreact sometimes and such is life. I’m trying to stay on the high road here, admit my mistakes, say when I’ve been wrong. I truly appreciate all of you who care about me and who support me and my very real and very human existence.


2 Responses to “And, now I tell you that you were right and I was wrong…”

  1. Friend IRL Says:

    Well said, Kate. Good to admit mistakes and acknowledge your part of keeping problems going and then change your part to move on. Congrats on taking the high road and sharing real feelings without accusations or blame. 🙂

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