It’s not easy being green…

August 17, 2009

No this is not a post about the environment.  Hah, I wish…  Though that is a weighty and important issue to consider it is not the topic on my mind today.

A friend who wishes to remain anonymous on this blog and I had a really long conversation the other day about the blog which Bonnie Bowes and Ben Acevedo are writing about me.  S/He told me that it was their opinion that I should read the blog daily because by reading it and seeing how petty and stupid it is it would take the power away from what they were doing.

I humored him/her today by reading over there and sadly I have to say that he was quite wrong.  Reading the blog and comments I varied between being furious and hurt.  I’ve detailed before the why of I am hurt and angry before, so I won’t rehash it.  Though the newest thing is reading the comments – all anonymous troll comments or people in B&B’s social circle I’m sure – but, it’s absolutely disheartening to read people being shitty to you and hating on you.

I like to pretend that I’m unaffected by that and that I don’t care.  Truth be told, though, it’s really disheartening and hard on the soul to know that people abjectly hate you and everything you do for little to no reason.

I was recently told by a magazine editor that he thinks the more popular my writing gets and the more places that publish me the more I need to expect that I’m going to have people being shitty to me because that’s what people do.  He pointed out that all good writers attract more unbased criticism than either praise or fair criticsm.  He pointed me at several people I know personally who have hundreds upon hundreds of awful, debasing, mean spirited and often vulgar comments on their weekly columns and cited it as “one of those things you’ll just have to put up with.”

I suppose.  But, I know there are lots of people out there who like my writing and like me as a person – they remain very quiet b/c they don’t really want to get mired down in Internet drama – but, every once in a while it would be really affirming if one of them would step up when someone says something shitty and tell people they think I’m great.

But, I understand why they don’t.

It’s not easy being yourself in public – if you are true to yourself and do not conform to what others expect and/or demand from you inevitably will draw flames from those too cowardly to tell you they think you suck using their real names.  I struggle with being who I am and just owning it; and, with feeling really badly that some people don’t like me when I do that.  It would be easier to be what other people want and/or expect sometimes; but, I’ve tried that and it makes me even more unhappy.

I suppose that to be honest is to be vulnerable and that I just have to accept that.

Anyhow – this is a little closer to home and more truthful than I really want this blog to contain.  It was something I just wanted to get out.  Below the cut a comment about the situation from Rosie – who emailed it to me b/c she thought I’d be pissed off if she posted it on my blog – and, I honor her words (which are critical of me, too) so I’m choosing to put it up.

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