You Own Your Own Words

September 11, 2009
Come out from behind the pixels, please...

Come out from behind the pixels, please...

I had an interesting interaction in Laurel Bookstore today.

I was picking up a copy of A Wrinkle In Time that I ordered for a particular seven year-old I know and while I was there I asked the lovely young thing working behind the counter if she’d order a copy of She’s Such A Geek for me, as I seem to have lost the one I had.

Actually, I know exactly where it is, I loaned it to a former friend who now writes an anonymous blog about me.

Anyhow, the young thing working behind the counter had not heard of this book and given how much I love it, I felt compelled to extol on its’ virtues to her.  She then asked me if I loved it so much, why I didn’t have a copy already and I told her that I’d lost it, but needed to get a new copy because I’m using it as a resource for the book I’m writing.

The man in line behind me, who was purchasing the NYT (always a good sign), asked me what my book was going to be about.

“Online drama,” I said, turning to face him, “Both that that I’ve created and that which others have created and why it is that so many people subsitute social networking for a social life these days.”

He lit up like a Christmas tree at this statement and said, “Oh really!?!  What do you think about the blogger in New York who wrote an anonymous blog calling that model a ‘skank’ and then got upset when Google revealed her name to the person she’d been slandering?”

I just smiled at him and said, “Oh, I believe that you have to ‘own your own words,’ I don’t believe in Internet anonymity – I think that people should be held accountable for what they say online.'”

He nodded with me and smiled, bought his NYT and we parted ways.

It was a nice exchange, it made me happy.

Lemme ‘Splain:
The phrase “You Own Your Own Words” was first coined by Stewart Brand when he founded The Well community 1985 and the definition of this phrase has been debated by its members for decades.

The most accepted concept is that in community situations, the poster owns their own words and the community cannot be held liable for the bad behavior of its’ members.

What it means to me is this: Stand by what you write and do online, or don’t write or do it.

Basically, I do not believe that Internet anonymity should be allowed.  I write under my own name or aliases which are clearly connected to my real name. I stand behind everything I say, do or create online.  I equally take the praise and criticism for those acts and think that other people should do the same.

Here is why: Anonymity online allows people to behave in ways they’d never behave if people knew who it was that was actually writing the offensive or questionable material.  By getting rid of Internet anonymity or anonymous posting, you could systematically eliminate almost ALL cyberbullying, harassment, trolling and spamming because there would be online and real life consequences for bad behavior.

Sadly, it is near impossible to create a mechanism to moderate the entire Internet in a real way that could even begin to make a dent in identifying anon users.

And, there are some constructive political arguments for not banhammering anonymous posting or userids in a number of mediums – such as the situation from this past June in which political protesters in Terhan were using Twitter to report what was actually happening during the violent protests that started after election foul was called in the Iranian presiential election…

Those arguments are good ones and I agree with those precepts of anonymity.  But, in 99% of cases I think that anonymous posting should not be allowed… Because people are relying on not being identified to allow them to behave like assholes.

I digress.

Since there is no mechanism to force people to be upfront and honest on these here innerwebz, I choose to practice what I preach and I believe wholly in YOYOW.

The Well was a seminal online community which really defined ALL online communities from message boards to virtual worlds to blog communities.  And, Stewart Brand is a fucking genius.  Attention should be paid.  Which is why I believe, also, in outting people who behave badly online… Making them be accountable for their own words.  Perhaps it’s a bit aggressive, but it’s what I believe and what I do.



36 Responses to “You Own Your Own Words”

  1. Srlsy? Says:

    Didn’t you write an anonymous blog under the name Esmerelda Smith?

    • adorkablegrrl Says:

      I wrote a PRIVATE blog that was only shared with friends who knew who Esmeralda Smith was. Not to mention, Esmeralda Smith was easily traced to my name.

      I wrote a column on BitchBuzz and OpenSexual under the name of Esmeralda, too — but, again — easily traced back to my name.

      IE: “The aliases I use are easily traced back to my name.”

      Thx for reading!

      • adorkablegrrl Says:

        And, I deleted that blog when I decided I didn’t want the greater public to read it. I’ve reposted portions of it under my own name.


      • Rosebudd Says:

        Then why did you publicly swear that you and Esmerelda weren’t the same person? Why did you insist that the person who identified you was stupid, dead wrong, and way off track?

        Thx for making no sense at all!

      • adorkablegrrl Says:

        Seriously, did you believe that when I did that? I left so many hints and clues that I was… and, then, SHOCK denied it being me to create INTERNET BUZZ.

        Wow, I’m either confusing or a savvy manipulator of Internet marketing trends.

        Dude. The ES profile LINKED TO MY PERSONAL GMAIL ACCOUNT – you know the one?

        You guys are fucking horrible detectives if you never picked up on that clue.

        /face palm

      • Rosebudd Says:

        This is you, as yourself, coming clean about being Esmerelda Smith:

        “Not too long ago someone decided to “out” me as Esmerelda Smith. They did so with nefarious purposes and to hurt me. It worked. As you might guess, the topic of sexuality is not always something that as a writer you want people being able to directly attribute back to you. Thusly, many people who write either erotica or about sexuality as a topic use a pseudonym so that they feel open and able to be candid without compromising their privacy.”

        Were you lying your way through this deeply confessional bawwfest on Opensexual in order to “create INTERNET BUZZ?” No. You are lying now. Your stories change at the drop of a hat, and you don’t bother to make your lies match. Far from Owning Your Own Words, you deny and ignore them as a matter of convenience.

      • adorkablegrrl Says:

        Dude, there is a difference between being obscure on purpose so that something isn’t directly attributed back to you and broadcasting it from the top of a mountain.

        Someone did out me. In a way that was intended to hurt me. By broadcasting my name, my alias, what I had written and then associating it with being depraved or dirty or a child pornographer.

        I’m sure that even YOU could agree that even to be called a child pornographer would make you shudder.

        I wrote under an alias because I worked at Because I remembered clearly the bullshit associated with Geek Girls Need Love, Too. Because I was asked to write the columns based on a blog I deleted and writing about sex and sexuality wasn’t my main gig. I can’t compete with Violet Blue or Dacia Ray or Amber Rhea or The Girl With A One Track Mind or any of the other people who write beautifully and prolifically about the topic.

        I was asked to write the Sex, Love & the Internet column because BitchBuzz needed the content in the sex category. I was not fired, I still write for BitchBuzz prolifically and Cate is amongst the biggest champions of my work. I quit writing that column because BitchBuzz found a writer who’s gig IS writing about sex who wanted to contribute a column to the website.

        I quit writing for Opensexual because I didn’t have time to do it. I outed myself there after being outed by someone else on Encyclopedia Dramatica because I wanted to take control of the situation and have my say.

        I’m surprised you could find that on Opensexual as I asked the owner of the website to take down all content associated with me or Ese, as I no longer write for them, and am no longer friendly with the editorial team at all.

        I searched that content today, even, in trying to find that EXACT essay for my book and got a 404 error.

        Makes me wonder who YOU are, Rosebudd.

        The alias was thinly constructed, it was never intended to completely obscure my identity. And, again, what you might consider “bawwwfest” could also be considered deliberate action on my part to capitalize upon my own notoriety.

        The fucking OS account linked to a gmail account for

        In several places Ese is referred to as Kate. Several times there was a gaff on BitchBuzz and Kate Kotler was attached to the piece I’d submitted as the byline instead of Esemeralda Smith.

        It wasn’t anonymous. It was clearly traceable. The people around me knew, the people speculating were speculating and OF COURSE I’m not going to confirm it… geezus.

        I own my own words. I obscured my identity to make it harder for people to know who was writing my column. Because I wanted privacy. Because I didn’t want more fodder for the ED page. Because I was working at a company where I was working with kids and I knew that trolls would be opportunistic enough to try to make that an issue.

        Again: if you looked you could trace the columns back to me with no problem. Who Ese was was the worst kept secret at BitchBuzz. When someone tried to “out” me with aggressive and nasty objectives, I decided to have my say. I own my own words, I own up to being Ese, I’m proud of the writing I did under that alias and have not one single moment of hesitation in claiming it as my own. Even the people I worked at Meez KNEW I wrote those columns and were fine with it because I used an alias and because it was something that I did on my own time.

        It is because people like YOU and the people trolling the TFC exist that I even thought it necessary to write under an alias in the first place. Because people like YOU like to make shit out of daisies and sunshine and clearly many of you lurked around waiting for a chance to strike at me and try to hurt me because I was writing a sex column…

        Why? You have nothing better to do.

      • adorkablegrrl Says:

        Incidentally, the notoriety that YOU (the general you, and the individual you) afford me has resulted in multiple invitations to contribute to other websites, other publications AND a book deal for my take on why people choose to have an online social life instead of an in real life social life.

        I’m sorry – you can say that I’m a whiner and an attention whore and anything else you want to say about me. Just keep saying it. Because I’m over here laughing my ass off all the way to the bank.

        Take care!

  2. Rosebudd Says:

    Currently, the Internet offers a choice. You can either choose to remain anonymous, or choose to freely spread your identity across a spectrum of social media. You have chosen the latter, and want the former to be forbidden. Let’s be honest here. Your only reason for supporting this is to silence people who argue with you. You don’t like what they say, and think they deserve to be punished for saying it.

    You very generously allow that “some constructive political arguments” exist for allowing the Internet to remain anonymous, “such as the situation from this past June in which political protesters in Terhan (sic) were using Twitter to report what was actually happening during the violent protests.” I applaud you for at least acknowledging that there are maybe one or two minor quibbles involved in utterly abolishing anonymity for everyone.

    What about the many, many people who quietly seek the answers to questions about sexuality, STDs, feelings of depression, and everything else the majority of people find too embarrassing to say publicly? Forget about their privacy concerns, because it’s vastly more important that You Own Your Own Words, and “stand by what you write and do online.” This argument is both incredibly stupid and blatantly self-serving. Because I’ve disagreed with you, you no doubt think I deserve to be “outed” and punished for having a different opinion. Anonymity is necessary and vital on the Internet, even if it’s only to protect yourself from a petty little amateur detective mad about getting her feelings hurt.

    • adorkablegrrl Says:

      Again: Please read the post. I clearly stated that there are valid exceptions to the question of if anonymity should be allowed online, Rosebudd. I AGREE that anonymity should be afforded to those seeking answers to sensitive questions, political protesters and a variety of other online users for who privacy is crucial.

      And, I don’t believe that Owning Your Own Words is only important for those who argue with me, personally. No. I have been online long enough to be well acquainted with a variety of bad behaviors perpetrated by those who post under “anonymous.”

      In particular: I’m concerned about kids and teens using online resources being targeted by either other kids/teens who want to bully/run their mouths inappropriately OR (even worse) sick-fuck adults posing as kids/teens who seek to prey upon young users of the Internet.

      I did spend two years watching this happen on and developing strategy to seek and destroy people who used anonymity in this manner in the name of protecting our users- so please don’t even bother to tell me it’s not an issue.

      It is.

      And, personally, I have young cousins who use the WWW on a daily basis, often w/out the direct supervision of their very busy parents – and I SHUDDER to think of the anon trolls they come into contact with.

      I’m far more concerned with this than I am with my own situation. As I’m a grownup and can take care of myself. Even if I can’t find out the ID of anon trolls who give me shit, I don’t really care enough to be bothered by it anymore.

      We’re talking bullies, cyberstalkers, violent spammers (like whale gut pr0n and 2Girls1Cup and other vile ass shit,) those who seek to capitally damage someone’s professional reputation via spreading lies, and those who seek to steal identities or valuable content to pass off as their own.

      As far as myself, I could honestly give a shit less. Though I do get a little thrill every time I can conclusively prove who is trolling me and lay out the real story as to why they are doing as such. (IE: Bonnie is a disgruntled exfriend and Ben is her sockpuppet boyfriend trying to curry favor by making fun of me.)

      I’m far from petty or an amateur: And, I’m far from having my feelings hurt by the likes of you mental giants. PUHLEEEASE.

  3. Heather Says:

    My Dearest Kate,

    I am new to reading your blog, but do so because I adore you and I love how sassy and in your face you can be in spite of your truly sincere nature – and I will continue to read your blog because you bring an interesting perspective, from both a lover and hater P.O.V. that is admirable to many, and apparently annoying to some… and to those some who have NOTHING BETTER TO DO with their time than terrorize your open banter… to hell with their pettiness. Let them comment – let them get off their chest whatever wrongs they feel you have done to them. Let them call you out, or bash your name, or praise your input or shower you with sunshine and posies if they choose – it simply adds to your celebrity. 😉 But whatever you do… just smile and revel in the glory that these “haters” are probably your biggest “fans.” Enjoy the power you have to stir them up to the point that they keep coming back for more!!! Ah ha ha ha! I am SO TICKLED by these circumstances… it just adds to MY enjoyment of your blog. KISSES, my brilliant little devil! I love your words and the sticky webs they weave!!

  4. Adam Says:

    maybe I’m confused, but what’s the point of an alias if it’s easily connected to your real name?

    • adorkablegrrl Says:

      Think of all the famous writers have had pseudonyms, multiple ones at that —

      Literary pen names:
      A pen name (or “nom de plume”) is a pseudonym adopted by authors or their publishers to conceal their identity. One famous example of this is Samuel Clemens writing under the pen name Mark Twain. A pen name may be used if a writer’s real name is likely to be confused with the name of another writer or notable individual, or if their real name is deemed to be unsuitable. Authors who write in fiction and non-fiction, or in different genres, may use pen names to avoid confusing their readers, as in the case of mathematician Charles Dodgson, who wrote fantasy novels under the pen name Lewis Carroll.

      Some female authors use male pen names, particularly in the 19th century, when writing was a male-dominated profession. The reverse is also true in the case of male romance novelists who use female pen names. A well-known example is that of Mary Ann Evans who wrote as George Eliot. One of Evans’ most acclaimed novels is Adam Bede, which was published in 1859. Another example is that of Amandine Aurore Lucile Dupin, a 19th-century French writer who used the pen name George Sand. Jane Austen also used a pseudonym ‘A Lady’ as the author of her first novel Sense and Sensibility. Elisabeth Evermarie Sarai went by Elisheva (Hebrew for Elizabeth) Evermaire because she wrote a novel named Sarai.
      A pseudonym may also be used to hide the identity of the author, as in the case of exposé books about espionage or crime, or explicit erotic fiction. Some prolific authors adopt a pseudonym to disguise the extent of their published output, e.g., Stephen King writing as Richard Bachman. Co-authors may choose to publish under a collective pseudonym, e.g., P. J. Tracy and Perri O’Shaughnessy. Frederic Dannay and Manfred Lee used the name Ellery Queen as both a pen name and the name of their main character.

      A famous case in French literature was when Romain Gary – already a well-known and highly acclaimed writer – started writing under the pen name “Émile Ajar”, mainly in order to test whether his new books would be well-received on their own merits and without the aid of his established reputation (they indeed were).

      A collective pseudonym may represent an entire publishing house, or any contributor to a long-running series, especially with juvenile literature. Examples include Watty Piper, Victor Appleton, and Franklin W. Dixon.

  5. Source Citer Says:

    Source cited: Wikepedia retrieved from tsk-tsk.

    • adorkablegrrl Says:

      Source Citer: READ THE POST tsk tsk.

      (I cited the URL right above the passage from Wiki, genius.)

  6. Source Citer Says:

    Copy and pasting the listing for literary pen names from Wikipedia doesn’t answer Adam’s question. What is the point of having an online alias if it’s easily connected to your real name? Why is it not okay for people to contribute anonymously or under an alias online, but its okay for you to author a blog under the alias Esmeralda Smith?

    It seems to me that posting anonymously is necessary, especially when commenting to you. Didn’t you brag in an older post about how you outed someone who was disagreeing with you and then emailed her HR department in hopes to have her fired? This is exactly why people must post anonymously. So people like you don’t go after them and spread their full names all around the internet and threaten their jobs. You scare people.

    • adorkablegrrl Says:

      I didn’t copy and paste that w/out answering.

      Let me copy and paste what I said:
      “Think of all the famous writers have had pseudonyms, multiple ones at that.”

      My point is that it is fairly common practice as a WRITER to have a pseudonym. And, it is also fairly common that as a WRITER people know what your chosen pseudonym, but you do not broadcast it to everyone.

      Samuel Clemmens, Mark Twain. Stephen King, Richard Bachmann. Louisa May Alcott, A.M. Barnard. Charles Dogeson, Lewis Carroll.

      AGAIN: Esmeralda’s Erotic Adventures wasn’t ANONYMOUS. Everyone who was invited to read that blog knew who wrote it. It was private.

      AGAIN: Everyone with any semblance of intelligence knew that Esmeralda was Kate in regards to Love, Sex & the Internet and OpenSexual.

      And, no – I did not BRAG that I outed someone for DISAGREEING with me. Read carefully. The person in question is my ex-roommate who has gone to a great length with her boyfriend to harass me. I went to a great deal of effort to get both Bonnie and Ben to quit posting here and stop talking about me via private channels, resorting to emailing her HR department as a last resort — because it was clear that she was spending copious amounts of time at WORK harassing me and I thought by letting her HR department know that perhaps they might have word with her about her conduct and she would stop.

      She wasn’t disagreeing with me, she was harassing me. There was no disagreement, there were only baseless insults, lies and shitty statements made.

      And, damn right I will out you by your full name if you come onto my blog and harass me using an anon troll account.

      I maintain that 99.9% of people would NEVER say the things they say from the position of Internet anonymity to a real person or a person who knew THEIR real identity.

      My position is that if you couldn’t or wouldn’t say it to someone’s FACE using YOUR REAL NAME then perhaps you should SHUT THE FUCK UP (and not say it).

      I use my real name. I’m not afraid of you or what you say about me and if I have something on my mind I’m going to say it… And, if I’m in the wrong I have to deal with it MYSELF. If I’m in the right I deal with it MYSELF. I own my own words. And, so should you.

      Honestly, I don’t understand how you people think that this is about having respectful discourse and disagreement that I *personally* disagree with.

      Fuck beans, I was the captain of the debate team, I love discourse, I love arguing with people in a respectful manner – debating any topic you would like.

      What I am talking about are people who use anonymous accounts to harass, defame, threaten, abuse or stalk someone. Using an anonymous account to steal or defraud.


      (A pen name that everyone knew belonged to me, at that.)

      And, it has so little to do with me… I practice what I preach: Internet Transparency. Owning Your Own Words. Being 100% responsible for what I put out there – both to the positive and negative.

      That you (collectively) choose not to do that? Yeah it frustrates me. Yeah I revel in the moments when I can say “Ahhh, ha! That’s who is leaving me nasty comments and that is why and here’s the real story behind why this person is targeting MY blog or column.” But, in the end does it affect my day to day existence?



      You guys give yourselves too much credit.

      The only way you affect me is in the following:

      -I have hour long phone calls with Rosey and my other friends where we laugh our asses off at the stupid shit you accuse me of and say and obsess over.

      -At professional events or parties with other writers or in pitch meetings people go “Oh, you’re the girl everyone hates on the Internet, yeah? How do you get that buzz?”

      -I get more work because people know that no matter what you’re saying about me, you’re reading what I write AND that means you’ll be visiting the website I’m writing on… And, seeing advertisers, etc.

      Because in the end it’s all about the clicks.

      Do you know how many unique views I get per day on this blog? In the three months since I’ve started writing this the metrics are through the ROOF.

      Again: You’re my biggest fans. You’re playing right into my hands, I’m winding you up and making you dance like the puppets you are. I weave the sticky webs and you do not know what is real and what is not. You have cast me as the villain and I’m happy to play along…

      The fucked part is that SO MANY PEOPLE (myself included) keep telling you over and over and over again that I’m fucking with you all, that I’m manipulating you and writing in such a way to make people flip the fuck out… Yet you keep coming back.

      I am the poison, but I am also the cure.

      Deal with it.

      • adorkablegrrl Says:

        Oh yes: I scare people?

        Hah! I’m not a scary person in the slightest. Your fear is imagined.

        And, again… if you’re saying things you’re ashamed of and worried about being attributed back to you… PERHAPS YOU SHOULD FUCKING SAY THOSE THINGS.

        Just sayin’.

  7. Source Citer Says:

    People read this blog because it is amusing to watch you lose your shit. Like you just did. You think you come off as opinionated and sassy but when you lash out like you do it reads like mentally unstable and hostile. Add space? There is no add space on this free word press blog. How exactly are you making money by people clicking to here? On a related note, why would anyone ever pay you to write when you regurgitate whatever is on your mind for free on a daily basis? I know professional writers, and none of them keep free word press blogs or write for free. Maybe I’m just confused here, but you continually insult your readers or anyone who is critical of your posts, yet you claim to be a moderately successful writer (who writes for free). You may be getting a lot of clicks but it doesn’t mean that people like you, enjoy your work, or that you are a good writer.

    Waits for Kate to puff up and attack on every point made and conclude that the reason she is so unpopular is because she can control minds and talks to god from a box and its all a part of her master plan for when she writes a book, anyway.

    • adorkablegrrl Says:

      *goes to corner and cries*

      Whatever. You think that was losing my shit?

      Yeah I am keeping this blog as research. For a paid project. As in: I have money for the project which is why I spend time on it.

      All the other places I write for are driven by ad revenue. Or, sales.

      I contribute my writing to two publications: BitchBuzz and Broke-Ass Stuart’s Goddamn Website. Both are driven by ad revenue and clicks. Cate and Stu intend to start paying their writers when the start turning a profit. I believe in their publications, which is why I participate.

      I am paid to write content for a variety of freelance clients who are very happy with my work. I don’t list those here or on my website because I don’t want idiots like you fucking with my paycheck by showing up there to troll my work.

      I am co-writing a book with Kati Kim for which I will be paid well. I am writing another book on my own which I will be paid even better. I also have proposals for a THIRD book and a series of children’s books. Plus a proposal that my Mom and I are working on together for a series of young adult’s books. All of which I will be paid for. Now, in the near future, in the far future.

      I am paid to write. I don’t need to justify that further. You know writers who don’t keep blogs or journals? They aren’t very good writers then. EVERY successful writer I know keeps a blog or journal.

      I write here with a purpose. You may not see it, but again, I don’t attribute the people who obsess about this blog or me to be that incredibly bright.

      It might shock you to know that I have a PRIVATE blog and a hard copy journal, too.

      I am a writer, that is what we do. We spit out words. Sometimes they’re good, sometimes they’re not. But, it’s a process. One I enjoy quite a bit, actually.

      I really love how everyone attributes emotion or action to me when I post here. I’m “losing my shit” I’m “unstable and hostile…”

      In reality I’m far from any of that. The people who know and love me find this blog and the response to it very amusing.

      I am a nice, thoughtful, smart, funny, positive, passionate person. That’s the thing.

      Yes, I’ve made a few enemies in my life – no one walks through life without doing that. But, on the whole, I am surrounded by people I think are awesome and who think I’m awesome back.

      I did lose my mind for a little bit which is what lead me to the fake friendship of individuals such as Bonnie Bowes or any of the other twits posting anon comments here or over on that “other blog.” But, I’ve seen the light, my friend and I have no use for you and other people like you except to wind you up and watch you dance like the puppets you are.

      Again: you assign me the role of the villain and I’m happy to fill it for the purpose of my book.

      And, I’m so unaffected by your words. Though you will be affected by mine. Either the next time I post something calculated and purposeful to fuck with your minds and confuse you further as to my intention. Or, when I’m on a talk show in three years discussing you all by alias you’ve used to harass me on this blog and elsewhere and talking about the dysfunction which compels people to substitute online drama for a social life.

      Again: so not taking it personally. I type fast, I think fast and I’m fairly irreverent… I have a plot and a purpose and you CONTINUE to play right into my hands, friends. I thank you. Soooo much!

      Chin, chin!
      I have things to do IRL now. I’m gonna bid you goodnight…

      • adorkablegrrl Says:

        Night, night Ben. I hope that Bonnie doesn’t act like a complete drunken psycho when she comes home from whatever bender she’s out on to find you’ve spent the night obsessing over me and commenting on my blog. 😉

        I feel for you, dude. But, really – REALLY. I thought you were so much cooler than all this shit.

  8. turdforthewin Says:

    Not Ben, Bonnie. And didn’t spend the entire night obsessing over your blog. It only took about 10 minutes and then I forgot about it until now. I also forgot about how you horde IP addresses to track down identities, it was a stupid thing to do. I think you’ve helped me make my point about why its important to hide one’s identity, though.

    Anyway, this whole circus of back and forth has become boring and tiresome. Honestly Kate, you’re not worth it. You matter very little and locking horns with you isn’t worth having my full name spread all around the internet linked to your stupid accusations.

    I’m out.


    • adorkablegrrl Says:

      Oh you are just the bitter end.

      I’d like to remind you: YOU are the one who came to my blog and started posting anonymous comments looking to start shit with me. YOU are the one who ignored my private emails asking you and Ben to just knock it off and leave me alone. YOU denied it was you harassing me and created multiple Internet accounts to continue to do so. YOU are the one who *started a blog* for the sole purpose of trashing me.

      YOU, Bonnie Bowes, are the cyber bully, troll, batshit insane person.

      You’ve made your bed, now lie in it. Own what you did. Enjoy the notoriety you’ve created for yourself.

      Your behavior was and is inappropriate. If you had had to post under your real name from the beginning of this debacle you wouldn’t have said or done ANY of the things you did.

      Anonymity afforded you the chance to be ugly. And, wrong. And, abusive. And, cruel… and, to think you were getting away with it. Anonymity allowed you to hurt someone deeply that you once claimed to care for. To use *my real name* to call me psychotic and a liar and a variety of other sundry insults with no thought as to how that would harm me, my life, my loved ones… How it could hurt me and my career. That didn’t cross your mind at all, or it did and you WANTED to fuck with me.

      Yes, I’ve played along. But, you are making my thesis for me: Anonymous interaction online creates monsters.

      You are the monster. Own it.
      Now fuck off and die. I hope I never see you or hear from you again in my life.

      • adorkablegrrl Says:

        I’d like to say that I think this is the end of it. But, I’ll look forward to continuing harassment from the TFC and your minions (how many of those are you? My friends and I have a bet as to the percentages of the commenters on your blog that are just you and Ben, who are real trolls who’ve been following me since the ED thing and people from Yelp who I’ve told to fuck off).

        But, I have not another thing to say about you or this situation… Until my book.

        Suffer in anticipation.

  9. Adam Says:

    Does that “research” angle actually fool anyone? It’s not related to a social experiment, is it?

    And about contacting someone’s place of employment, wouldn’t a no-contact/restraining order be more appropriate? If it was actual harassment. You know, it takes two to drama.

    Like so many cam whores, you think you’re in control and before you know it there’s a hairbrush up your ass and your dog is getting the blowjob of his life.

  10. Hai Says:

    None of this makes any sense. You just keep coming up with crazy and incoherent justifications for your crazy and incoherent behavior. Writing anonymously is not owning your own words, neither is using a pseudonym.

    Writing anonymously and saying it’s not you but then saying that it was so easy to tell it really was you is not owning your own words, nor does it even make sense. “It’s not me, hint, hint” is not owning your own words.

    You are a hypocrite.

    While you may be getting some work from all of this, ultimately you will lose a lot of work because your reputation (professional and personal) is very, very bad. My publishing house wouldn’t deal with you since there are so many good writers out there who, unlike you, are both highly skilled and act like professionals.

    Acting like an elementary school thug is not a successful career strategy.

    • adorkablegrrl Says:

      Here’s the thing: I’m not acting like an elementary school thug in the slightest. I’m not bullying anyone. I’m simply calling it out as it is.

      I own my own words. I deal with praise and criticism. I have to be accountable for the things I do and say online because I’m using my own name.

      You say my professional and personal reputation is bad? Why is it that way? Because a lot of ANONYMOUS people run their mouths about me, making claims and accusations and saying things which color people’s perception of me.

      And, to your assertion that I’m unprofessional: Please review the places I work for. Please contact the people I work with. I have a stellar reputation with them.

      There is a big difference between what you do on your own time and what you do on company time. In work situations I exhibit the utmost professionalism.

      I point to other incendiary bloggers and writers who stir the pot in their own time and behave like good little girls and boys when they are working.

      Specifically look at The Bloggess.

      And, what of the anonymous people who behave the same, if not worse than I do? Like Ben Acevedo or Bonnie Bowes? Ben is starting a company (so I’m told) – don’t you think that the people he works with should be privy to his online behavior in the same manner that they are privy to mine? Or, shouldn’t the people who Bonnie works for know that she’s spending her work time spamming someone’s blog and hate blogging on her own?

      If I have to be accountable for my actions (and I am), then shouldn’t they? It takes two to have online drama (at least) and why should they be allowed to trash me – using my real name – and not have any consequences?

      Regarding Ese Smith: there is a difference between a pen name and writing anonymously. Again: everyone knew it was me. For sake of my employer at the time I did not confirm that Ese Smith was Kate Kotler until I had stopped working for them.

      Even so, the people I worked for at Meez knew it was me, and had no problem with it so long as it wasn’t done on company time.

      There is also a big difference between writing anonymously and writing privately. The Erotic Adventures of Esmeralda was a PRIVATE, invitation only blog. You couldn’t find it via Google, it wasn’t listed in search, the only way you’d know it existed was if I directly invited you to read it. (Sadly, I invited Bonnie and Ben to read it, big mistake for me…) Only NINE people were ever given the URL. When I decided I didn’t want to risk it being found by a nosey parker troll, I deleted it. (Much to the dismay of a couple of the people I’d written about who loved rereading their stories for vanity’s sake.)

      I own those words, I always did and always will. I don’t know how you can debate that.

      And I am getting a lot of work from this blog, frankly. A book deal to discuss online drama and why people substitute social networking for social life is in the works. Looking at my own Internet dramz and other notable cases (such as Rosemary Port/Liskula Cohen and the situation with Kathy Sierra, etc.) Looking at the nature of cyber bullying and why anonymous enclaves are allowed to spin out of control and what happens when people try to take action against them (the AT&T shut down of 4Chan, etc)… it’s interesting stuff.

      And, again, those who actually work with me or know me in real life know that I am a nice, talented, kind, dedicated, intelligent and PROFESSIONAL writer. If your publishing house wouldn’t work with me, okay – fine. I know others that will…

      Take care,

    • Feather Says:

      Hee hee hee… no one who owned a REAL publishing house would have the care or concern to comment on this blog. AH HA HA HA. You people crack me up.

  11. Feather Says:

    Your fans just keep giving themselves bigger hats, eh? Next the Prince of India will be criticizing your words. *snigger snigger*

    • adorkablegrrl Says:

      I know, I’m fully expecting President Obama to start leaving comments here about how I’m un-American for demanding that people be accountable for their words and actions. (Actually, that doesn’t sound like President Obama – more like something GW or Rush Limbaugh would say.)

    • adorkablegrrl Says:


  12. C Says:

    Kate, please stop claiming that “those who actually work with me or know me in real life know that I am a nice, talented, kind, dedicated, intelligent and PROFESSIONAL writer”.

    I DO know you in real life. That’s why I can’t stand you. I would never work with you or hire you to write for my publication.

    I think pretty much everyone in the TFC has met you face-to-face, whether through social or work situations. Stop defaming us by proclaiming publicly that we have such poor taste as to consider you a good person. Clearly you, with your 6am IP-trolling, unedited knee-jerk counterattacks, and melodramatic letters to HR departments, are not the angel you proclaim yourself to be. You certainly are no professional.

    I choose to post this comment anonymously because it’s my prerogative to do so. As you may have noticed, you are not the boss of me. I therefore am not obliged to follow your twisted pseudo-ethical directives. No matter how strongly and in what font-weight you may word them.

    • adorkablegrrl Says:

      I can’t even begin to believe that this shit is still going on.

      Ok, so you know me in real life and can’t stand me. Chances are the feeling is probably mutual, love.

      I suspect, Anonymous C, that you are one of three people… saying that I’m not the “boss” of you is a huge clue as to who you are.

      Funny that you went from protecting people from trolls like you to being a troll like you in such a short time.

      You don’t like me? Fine. GTFO my blog. Stop reading me, it’s as easy as that. I think Gossip Guy on The Burn Book was dead on when he said that if you wanted me to fade into obscurity that the better way to make that happen would be to stop paying attention to me. STFU.


      The more you comment, the more you troll, the more you participate in bullshit like the TFC the more intrigue and buzz I get, the more attention I get, the more people want to find out what the big deal is…

      6am IP-trolling… um… no. I clicked on the IP address in the WordPress dashboard and it showed me everyone who had commented on my blog using that IP address. That’s hardly trolling. Even going as far as to check the Arins WhoIs isn’t trolling…

      What you are doing? Trolling. What Bonnie Bowes and Ben Acevedo are doing? Trolling.


  13. adorkablegrrl Says:

    Oh wait. I just thought of a total rephrase which will clear up all of the contention of the previous comment:

    Change: “Those who actually work with me or know me in real life know that I am a nice, talented, kind, dedicated, intelligent and professional writer”

    To: “Those who actually work with me or know me in real life that I GIVE A SHIT ABOUT know I am a nice, talented, kind, dedicated, intelligent and professional writer.

    It is those people whose opinions matter to me, it is my own opinion of my self that matters to me most. Those people know who they are. I don’t have to continually justify myself to them because they know and support me and all that I do.

    Unless your name falls on the list of my nearest and dearest, you can pack up your opinion of me and take a long walk off a short pier.”

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